leilakalomi

     I have got to be the worst sister in the world.   My niece just called and said she has my sister at the hospital with chest pains that are radiating to the back of her neck.   My sister has heart problems, and what makes me the worst sister in the world is my first thought was not I hope she is ok.   My first thought was now what am I going to do about getting my groceries.   My sister was supposed to take me to get my groceries this week and if she is in the hospital or even if they do not  keep her she probably will not feel up to doing it and I could not blame her.   What is wrong with me why would my first thought not be for my sisters health.   I love my family very much and I would hate to lose any of them.   Now I am sitting here hating myself because I thought of myself first instead of my sister who may be having serious health problems.  

     The only thing I can think of that may have caused my thoughts to fall like they did is I have a little obsessive compulsive disorder and I have been thinking about this trip to get my groceries for nearly 2 weeks.   When I first asked her she made a bunch of excuses why she could not do it. so I guess maybe some small part of me is thinking that this was another way of getting out of taking me.     How awful am I to even think something like that?   My sister's health is at risk and I am thinking she went to the hospital to get out of taking me to get groceries.  My mind is really messed up, and I can see it.   The thing is HOW DO I FIX IT?   I hate that my first thought was of myself.   It should have been of here and her family.   I feel awful that I am such a terrible sister.    I am so selfish and I wish I was not.

     Did you ever wonder how many people that claim to be bipolar really are and how many of them just say they are to get away with acting badly?   I have a neighbor who claims to have bipolar disorder.   After what I saw today I have my doubts.   One of the other neighbors allegedly said something about her that was only like half true.   But my neighbor claimed she never said it at all, and it made her mad.   When I tried to talk some sense into my angry neighbor and pointed out to her she could go to jail for slander if she did what she was threatening to do she turned on me.   She said  F U and started to walk away I said excuse me.   She then said you heard me F U  and I made a remark I probably should not have about someone needing her meds.   Now you need to bare in mind she has made the same remark about me when my anxiety is too high.   She said she was on her meds and I said she did not act like it.   At that point she turned and charged at me.  I said to her in a calm voice if you touch me I will have you arrested she kept running toward me .  I stood my ground and said a little louder I am not kidding you touch me I will have you arrested.   She then pushed against my arm and said I touched you and then she did it again.   I realized she was not out of control and I told her to behave herself.   She then went back to her house and I came inside and shut the door.  

     I love this girl and her whole family a lot so the thought of possibly  losing them as friends hurts me very much and I have been trying to fight back the tears ever sense.   I do not think she liked me telling her she would be making a mistake if she slandered the other neighbor at her work place like she said she was going to.   I do not know why she could not see I was trying to protect her from winding up in jail over something stupid.   The fact she stopped when I threatened to have her arrested makes me think she may be faking the bipolar at least part of the time.   WOW THIS IS INTERESTING:  She just called to see if I was ok and to apologize.   She is upset cause she upset me.  So maybe she is bipolar.  

     Have you ever told a friend something you did not want broadcasted to the whole world, because you thought they would keep it to themselves only to have them telling everyone?   That is what has been happening to me lately.   I told someone something I wanted them to know, but I did not want everyone else to know and this person keeps "letting it slip by accident"  in public.  SERIOUSLY DOES HE THINK I AM THAT BLOODY STUPID???? He did it twice in the same night the first time.  Then tonight he did it again LESS THEN 3 MIN AFTER I REMINDED HIM NOT TO TELL IT.   NO ONE IS THAT STUPID.  He tried to cover his rear by saying he messed up because he has a tooth ache.   REALLY if he has a tooth ache that bad why the hell does he have a rub in his mouth.   The last thing I want when I have a tooth ache is juices in my mouth leaking into the tooth that hurts.

     I was having a really great week till tonight.   When I get this upset it makes me want to go eat some comfort foods, but that is not the answer to this.   Eating chocolate will only put back on some of the weight I worked so hard to loose.    So I sit here crying and wondering why someone I called my friend for years is stabbing me in the back every chance he gets.   I am putting this on this blog because I only have a very few friends on this id so I know it will be between me and them.  

     Now I need to make a decision as to if I want to continue associating with this person.  How can I call him my friend if he is hurting me every time I see him.   It sucks when people you called your friend do things to hurt you.   I need to think about myself for once and my health.   Two different doctors told me this week my overall health is good, but one said stress is what has been causing my palpitations in my chest.   I think it is best for me to steer myself away from things that cause me stress even if the things causing it I once called friends.   It may be better to lead a lonely life separated from people I used to call my friends then to have them put me in the hospital.   THAT LAST REMARK WAS NOT AIMED AT ANYONE ON THE FRIENDS LIST TO THIS ID you guys are few because I know I can trust you not to tell things you read here.